Dear Inheritance Cycle
by The-Erinaceous-Nihilarians
Summary: this is a collection of letters, voicemail messages, emails and whatever else we can come up with to the characters of the Inheritance Cycle. Each chapter will feature a hate letter and a love letter to one of the characters.


**EXPLANATION; this is a collection of letters, voicemail messages, emails and whatever else we can come up with to the characters of the Inheritance Cycle. Each chapter will feature a hate letter and a love letter to one of the characters. (also, if you figure out what's with the strange OC- names, you win a prize ;) )**

**Disclaimer: let us just point out that 1. Christopher Paolini is a man (as far as we know). WE are TWO GIRLS. I, JAm, am not actually all that good at Maths OR Biology, but I'm sure there's a difference there… 2. HE is AMERICAN! We are BRITISH! (and proud of it, god save our gracious Queen…erm…what comes after that JAmmy? [no idea]) 3. He is BLOODY OLD. (no need to explain…) 4. Is a very nice number [it's not THAT nice…actually, it's kinda horrible…] Shush JAm! I'm in trouble with 4, if I piss him off again, then…*shudder* 5. HE wrote Inheritance. If it had been us, Vanir would be king, Arya off on some island or other with Eragon… (image; aww…cute little half-elves…well, three quarter) and we would have been happier…sorry.**

**Wow, that took longer than expected…either way, (this being jAm the awesome) welcome to our newest fanfic! :D**

To; EriBromsson Amail. Com  
From: Stacie Bold

Dear Eragon Shadeslayer Firesword Argetlam Shur'tugal Son-of-None Bane-of-the-Ra'zac Morzansson-for-a-while Elf-friend Kingkiller Leader-of-the-Varden Vanquisher-of-Snails Bromsson,

By my formal beginning, this very sentence, you may have realised, this is an official Hate Letter. If not, you have realised this NOW, along with having surprised even me with your utter stupidity. In this letter, I shall be listing everything wrong with you and your character.  
This shall be fun…  
For one, you have too many titles. It took half a minute just to WRITE THEM ALL OUT, and that was with a two man group, with military style, 10-letters per second typing. AND we left some out, including your cute nickname 'Little One'...I'm sniggering as I write.  
Also, your love for the oh-so-unbelievably-beautiful Arya is unbelievably shallow, concentrating only on her looks. As I, Stacie Bold, will be representing my gender (yes, I'm a feminist, live with it) I must criticise this point all the way until it's ill-founded grounds can be properly disposed of. There seems to be NOTHING that Eragon admires of Arya's character, since he doesn't seem to know much of it. Therefor he chooses to ignore that fact and 'judge the book by its cover'. Also, Eragon forgets that he could barely keep up with Arya when she was sparring with him after having just recovered from a near-death experience and thinks that he must protect her everywhere she goes. She is TOUGHER THAN YOU. Face it, 'Shadeslayer'…may I just mention, she was the one who earned you that title. I still need to kill her for it.  
Moving on, before I lose your short squirrel-proportioned interest, how bloody thick are you? I mean…REALLY? You set out to bless a child, and your grammar is so ATROCIOUS, you manage to CURSE her instead? I'm not usually too picky about grammar, but that is just…I don't think I need elaborate. (just mentioning, is it really SO hard to tell that Arya doesn't love you, never has and never will…ESPECIALLY considering how you're approaching the matter? I realise this is a little harsh, but GET OVER IT.)  
Ah…my computer time is up, I shall HAVE to continue this tomorrow.

Goodbye. Yours sincerely (hardly!),  
Stacie Bold

Ps: you're also a bit of a Gary Stue…and you're WAYY to crazy about those stupid ants.

Eragon Shadeslayer, you have 1 voicemail message; 

Dearest Eri,

Hi, I…umm…all I REALLY wanted to say was, that…umm…I REALLY, REALLY LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! See, there! I SAID it.  
It's just that, well, for a start you're really good looking…n-not that I'm basing my love on your looks of course! I'm not THAT shallow…it's just something I thought I ought to mention…you know.  
I think you're really brave, the way you fought Galbatorix even though your magic didn't work and you were weaker than him…I mean, err, not to say you're…not to say you're weak, just that…um…you know.  
Also, it's so noble of you to have helped your cousin find his fiancée again, even though I don't really like her…oh umm, she's distantly related…I mean, she's nice…but YOU'RE A HUNDRED TIMES BETTER! I really wish I could meet you, I THINK I'm the only one who's figured out how to call non-existent phones in Alagaesia, but I can't be sure. My name is Lucie Benstein…Ah…my friend's here, I better go.

BEEEEEEEEP

~ Lucie Benstein, you have one voicemail message;

Huh…what IS this thing? Is it on? HELLO? Am I hearing voices? This is weird… hello? LUCIE! Apparently not…maybe if I press this butto…

BEEP

****

Okay! That's Chapter numero uno! YAY!


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